Termination for Medical Reasons in the Media

Different year, but the same story.

2012-01-26T08:55:00.006-05:00

My apologies for taking almost a year to update this blog. But with state legislators only actually working a few months a year (lucky dogs), not a whole lot happens in the summer and fall.

So here we are, 2012, and just like last year, legislatures around the U.S. are introducing beaucoup anti-choice measures. My home state of Virginia is no exception.

So far, there have been 8 or so anti-choice bills introduced in Virginia. There are those that require mandatory ultrasounds before an abortion, a bill that gives personhood status to fertilized eggs (thus banning all abortion and some forms of birth control), a bill banning abortion at or after 20 weeks gestation (except in cases of rape, incest, or life of the mother), a bill to repeal the state's Medicaid funding for low-income women who experience a pregnancy with a fetal anomaly, and a bill to ban insurance companies participating in the yet-to-be-formed insurance exchange from covering abortion.

You can read more about the nationwide war on reproductive rights here.

Each and every one of these proposed laws is heartless, cruel, and completely unneccesary. Will any of these bills create jobs? Will any of them help to pull the lower and middle-class families out of their financial difficulties? Will any of these bills help with the housing crisis?? No, no, and NO!!

I urge everyone reading this to contact your state legislators and urge them to focus their efforts on issues that really impact their constituents--jobs, housing, the economy, etc. These right-wing attacks on women's reproductive health are merely a distraction. These legislators don't have an answer for how to help the jobless and those struggling financially, so they are instead focusing on something they think they CAN control--women's bodies. And they are using propaganda like television ads during the Superbowl to try to gain momentum and support.

If you are pro-choice, please get involved. Exercise your right as a citizen and let your voice be heard. E-mail or call your legislators and let them know that you are pro-choice and you vote.

Speaking out against "late term abortion" bans

2011-03-18T18:03:00.003-04:00

Several state legislatures held hearings this week concerning proposed bans on abortions after 20 weeks.

In Minnesota, Alicia Hemple shared her story of terminating her much-wanted pregnancy due to a diagnosis of Trisomy 18.

In Kansas, Tiffany Campbell shared her agonizing decision to terminate one twin due to Twin-to-Twin transfusion syndrome.

In Washington, D.C. last month at two separate press conferences with pro-choice legislators, two women courageously shared their stories of interrupting planned and wanted pregnancies due to severe fetal anomalies. Dana Weinstein shared the story of her baby girl who was diagnosed in utero with agenesis of the corpus callosum and polymicrogyria. Mary Vargas tearfully shared her story of interrupting her pregnancy of her baby boy due to Potters syndrome.

All of these women deserve to be commended for bravely sharing their personal and heartbreaking stories to fight against anti-choice attacks. I know from personal experience how difficult it is to share such a personal and painful story in front of a group of strangers, not to mention lawmakers. But in the end, the more women who speak out and share these controversial decisions, the less stigma society will place on them, and the more those anti-choice politicians will know that we won't lie down and roll over while they strip us of our rights.

The people 20-week abortion bans really impact

2011-03-07T15:19:00.005-05:00

Danielle and Robb Deaver of Grand Island, Nebraska shared their story of being legally prevented from terminating their pregnancy with their baby who wasn't expected to survive due to underdeveloped lungs. After Danielle's water broke at 22 weeks, she was unable to replenish and sustain her amniotic fluid. Danielle and her husband then asked her physician if she could terminate the pregnancy--both to preserve her own health (by avoiding the risk of infection) and to prevent their unborn baby girl from suffering at birth due to the lack of fluid. Read the rest of their heartbreaking story here.

Dr. Carhart to open three new clinics

2010-11-15T10:11:00.004-05:00

Nebraska doctor Leroy Carhart, who was a close friend and associate of Dr. George Tiller, has announced that he plans to open three new abortion clinics which will provide abortion services to women past 20 weeks gestation. A recent law passed by the Nebraska legislature prevents abortions past 20 weeks in that state.

The new clinics are slated to be opening soon in Indiana, Iowa, and in the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area, and will operate under the banner of the Carhart Centers forSexual and Reproductive Health.

This is great news for women who will be facing a poor prenatal diagnosis and considering termination. Right now, there are only a small handful of places, scattered around the United States, which will help a woman seeking an abortion past 24 weeks. Prenatal testing doesn't always allow a woman before that time to know with certainty that there is a major problem with the development of the fetus. This results in many women being forced to travel halfway across the country to obtain a legal and safe medical procedure, which she should have been able to access in her own community.

Thank goodness for doctors, like Leroy Carhart, who are willing to do whatever is necessary to ensure that women have easier access to a safe and legal procedure. As long as Mother Nature keeps creating babies with serious anomalies, and families can legally exercise their free will in deciding whether or not to bring these babies into the world, there will always be a need for pregnancy termination after 20 weeks. There's no reason to make it logistically impossible for these devastated families.

Edited to add: Starting Monday, December 6, 2010, Dr. Carhart will begin offering his services to women out of the Germantown Reproductive Health Services practice in Germantown, MD.

The Assassination of Dr. Tiller

2010-10-27T14:12:00.002-04:00

MSNBC's Rachel Maddow narrates a new documentary investigating the assassination of Dr. George Tiller and the possible connections between his convicted killer, Scott Roeder, and extremist pro-life groups.
Three brave women, who were patients of Dr. Tiller, shared their stories for the documentary. All three went to Dr. Tiller because their babies were diagnosed with severe anomalies. I'd like to say thank you to those brave women for allowing us to here some of their stories and to feel some of their pain.

This man did what so many of us have dreamed about...

2010-10-27T13:12:00.002-04:00

Below is a video of a heartbroken dad named Aaron Gouveia who confronted some protesters in front of an abortion clinic. He and his wife were there because their baby had been diagnosed with a severe fetal anomaly and they decided to interrupt the pregnancy. Listen as this courageous dad gives the clueless protesters a glimpse into his world...

And here is a blog post from Aaron on The Good Men Project.

Good for you, Dad!

Abortion on television

2010-10-18T15:47:00.004-04:00

I read this article while waiting for my turn at the dentist's office this morning. It's about how more and more scripted television shows are adding storylines about abortion. The most fascinating part is that the episodes are not overly dramatized and aren't resulting in a deluge of hatemail to the producers of the shows.

Is abortion no longer too taboo for tv?

Thank you Warren Buffett!!

2010-07-16T18:55:00.004-04:00

This article doesn't really concern terminations for medical reasons, but it is such a fantastically optimistic look at abortion care in the future that I thought I'd share it here.

And a huge THANK YOU to Warren Buffett and his late wife Susan Thompson Buffett for giving so generously and caring so much about pro-choice causes.

The New York Times - "The New Abortion Providers"

This Memorial Day, remembering Dr. Tiller ...

2010-05-24T15:19:00.002-04:00

The premise of Memorial Day is to remember those who died in military service for our country. This Memorial Day, I will be remembering a very special Navy veteran who died after providing much-needed and hard-to-find specialized care to thousands of American women. He did so despite constant threats to his own life and those around him. He bravely continued on, even after being shot in both arms.

He never gave up on women, and we should never give up on continuing his mission--to ensure that women have access to legal and safe abortions. The best tribute we can make to Dr. Tiller this Memorial Day is to bravely speak out and share our pro-choice views, commit to electing pro-choice legislators, and most of all, TRUST WOMEN.

Nebraska, Kansas, Virginia, etc. State legislatures with too much time on their hands.

2010-04-19T13:05:00.004-04:00

Recently there has been a flurry of activity in various state legislatures to impose new restrictions on abortion access and insurance coverage for abortion.
Let's start with Kansas, the state where Dr. George Tiller courageously practiced for decades, helping women in the most desperate of circumstances to end much-wanted pregnancies. That was until he was murdered last May. For many years, the Kansas legislature, with the help of the Kansas Attorney General, has been trying to impose new restrictions on what some call "late term abortion." Time and time again, for one reason or another, these bills have failed to pass. Recently, the legislature attempted to pass a bill which would have required doctors to report to the state the exact medical diagnosis for fetuses from abortions performed after 21 weeks. Thankfully, the Governor of Kansas vetoed this blatant violation of privacy.

In Virginia, the Governor recently slipped an amendment into the annual budget which would eliminate Medicaid coverage for abortions due to fetal anomaly. I suppose he assumed that the pro-choicers of Virginia would be so distracted by the victory of the first pro-choice license plate being available that they wouldn't notice the little Medicaid amendment he snuck into the budget. As someone who has terminated due to fetal anomaly and who knows how much it costs to have an abortion well into the 2nd trimester, I find this amendment shameful. As if being told your much-wanted baby is seriously ill and likely won't make it isn't devastating enough, now the poorest of Virginia's women will have to choose between paying out of pocket for a termination (which can be anywhere from $500 up to $15,000) or carrying to term and hoping that God/nature doesn't allow their baby to suffer at birth too much. Again, this is just shameful, Governor McDonnell!

And now to Nebraska, where the state legislature recently passed a bill which prevents abortion after 20 weeks, even if the mother is suicidal, on the mistaken presumption that fetuses can feel pain at 20 weeks. This bill is unconstitutional and will not stand. The Supreme Court has already declared that the state does not have an interest until VIABILITY. VIABILITY does not = 20 weeks gestation. But the real point of this bill is to stop Dr. Leroy Carhart from bravely helping women to end tragic pregnancies, many of whom would have gone to Dr. Tiller had he not been killed last May. While technology and prenatal testing have made dramatic improvements over the past two decades, there are still many women who don't find out until their "routine" 20 week ultrasound that there is a problem with the fetus. If laws like this one in Nebraska are allowed to stand, women will forced to flock to Colorado or New Mexico or whereever the next clinic opens up to provide a refuge to these heartbroken moms.

Here's a great article written by a mom in Nebraska who terminated due to fetal anomaly.

Blog for Choice Day 2010

2010-01-21T13:11:00.004-05:00

The question asked for this year's Blog for Choice Day is what does the phrase "Trust Women," a phrase Dr. George Tiller used as a sort of motto before he was murdered last May, mean to you.

Abortion is a decision that NO woman undertakes lightly. Regardless of the circumstances which led to her considering abortion, no woman wants to be in that situation. Abortion is not an activity found on one's to-do list, life's goals list, or bucket list. No one wakes up in the morning and thinks "I've been meaning to see what abortion is like. I think I'll have one today." No one says to their friend over lunch, "You should try abortion sometime. It's really cool." And no one embarks upon a planned pregnancy thinking "The baby might be seriously deformed."

When women find themselves in the situation of considering an abortion, it is with reluctance and fear that they proceed to find out more about their options.

I found myself considering an abortion in 2003. I was a married, stay-at-home mom, pregnant with my much-wanted and planned second baby. A 20 week ultrasound revealed severe defects which prevented my baby's lungs from developing. My first instinct wasn't "Can I get an abortion," it was "Do I really have to carry this doomed pregnancy for four more months?" The fact that ending my pregnancy early, the most humane option available for all concerned, would have been an "abortion" never occurred to me until two days later. In the days following the diagnosis I spent endless hours on the computer, searching for information about the condition, treatment options, and survival rates. I read articles in medical journals and online blogs. I joined online communities for parents who had faced the same diagnosis. I joined online communities for parents who had made the heartbreaking decision to interrupt their pregnancy due to a poor prenatal diagnosis. I called my OB/GYN with questions. I called my perinatologist with questions. I poured my heart out to family and friends, hoping that one of them would be able to tell me what the right thing to do was. I sought out a second opinion from a second perinatologist. I made a mental list of all of the circumstances which made me lean toward continuing the pregnancy (my Catholic upbringing, the unknown outcome) and those which made me lean toward terminating the pregnancy (the lack of local family support, the financial implications, the impact on my 2-year-old, the suffering my unborn baby would have endured). And finally, after much contemplation, decided to trust my initial instinct and terminate the pregnancy.

I am so thankful to have had access to so much information and opinions. But despite all of the assistance I received, the decision to terminate ultimately came from inside of me. Women who search their heart know what the right path is. They know which choice will leave them with the most amount of peace and the least amount of regret. And only they know of the specific life circumstances which make them lean one way or the other.

We can and should continue to assist women with medically accurate information and honest opinions. But in the end, we need to trust women to make these critical decisions on their own. Every woman's situation is unique. And since we can't walk in their shoes, we shouldn't try to make these monumental decisions for them. Trust them.

Where do we go from here?

2010-01-20T12:56:00.002-05:00

With healthcare reform now in peril, the question becomes "Where do we go from here?" If reform fails completely, we'll be back to the status quo. The status quo meaning that millions of lower-income and middle-income women will continue to face obstacles to obtaining safe and legal medical procedures. I suppose it could be worse. We could be watching the President sign the Affordable Health Care for America Act of 2009 with the Stupak amendment in it, right? That would be bad. This, this is just a setback. Time to regroup and reflect.

The Stupak Amendment must go!

2009-11-10T15:41:00.003-05:00

Saturday evening, the House of Representatives passed an Amendment, sponsored by Democratic Representatives Bart Stupak (MI) and Joe Pitts (PA), to the House Health Care bill. This Amendment, which passed by a vote of 240-194, will result in the elimination of insurance coverage (both public and private) for any abortion other than those done to save the mother's life, or as a result of rape or incest.
This amendment, if it remains in full or in large part in the final bill, will hit those women who terminate for medical reasons particularly hard.
Prenatal testing has made great advances over the past 30 years, with women sometimes being able to find out as soon as 11 or 12 weeks that something is seriously wrong with their unborn baby. However, most women don't find out something is seriously wrong with their baby until they are well into their 2nd trimester. Add onto that the time it takes to get second and third opinions, definitive diagnostic testing, and the agonizing process of decision-making and you are looking at many women not knowing they will be terminating until they are close to 24 weeks (if not later). Terminations at this late stage can cost anywhere from $2000 to over $10,000, depending on the gestation and the type of procedure.
I've come across several women over the years who, for one reason or another, didn't have insurance coverage for their terminations. Making the decision to terminate is tortuous enough, but having to then re-tell one's devastating story over and over again, usually to complete strangers, in order to arrange for payment is insulting. Most women were able to scrounge up the money needed by asking friends and family members for loans, by calling their credit card companies to ask for credit limit increases, by searching out other medical facilities with the hope that one of them would be less expensive, and by having to negotiate a billing schedule with hospital billing clerks.
Asking women, who are already heartbroken and devastated by having to say goodbye too soon to their much-wanted and much-loved babies, to also magically come up with thousands of dollars out-of-pocket in order to obtain a legal and common medical procedure, one which has been covered by many insurance companies for YEARS, is just adding insult to injury. The Stupak Amendment is completely unneccesary and needs to go.

The blurred line between fiction and real events

2009-10-27T13:31:00.006-04:00

Last Friday, NBC aired an episode of "Law & Order" which involved a supposedly fictitious story of a late-term abortion provider being murdered in his church. Sound familiar? Obviously, the episode was based on the story of Dr. George Tiller who was murdered in his church last May. But being that "Law & Order" is a Hollywood production, the line between fiction and reality was horribly blurred throughout the course of the episode. What was left was an obviously biased and UNrealistic view of the work Dr. Tiller committed himself to, and the heartbreak felt by his patients who more often than not had no where else to turn. Here are some fantastic reviews of the episode:

Salon.com - "Law & Order's Anti-Choice Propaganda"

RH Reality Check - "Dr. Tiller Murdered Again by NBC's Law & Order"

Women & Hollywood - "Law and Order Episode Imparts No 'Dignity" for Women"

Ms. Magazine - "No Dignity for NBC"

RH Reality Check - "The 'Law and Order' Abortion Disaster and the Wasteland of TV"

Huffington Post - "Misremembering Dr. Tiller: How Law & Order Got it Wrong"

Here is a sample letter from NOW where you can voice your concerns to NBC over this poorly produced and written episode - "Tell NBC to Stop Showing Propaganda Regarding Abortion Rights for Women!"

It's clear the writers and producers of this episode have never themselves faced a tragic pregnancy with a poor prenatal diagnosis. They are blessed that way, I suppose. But for them to take that ignorance and try to shove it down our throats is insulting, offensive, and hurtful to those of us who have experienced a pregnancy with a poor prenatal diagnosis.

"Our Heartbreaking Choices" wins 2009 Best Books award!

2009-10-20T11:51:00.004-04:00

USA Book News recently announced the winners of the National "Best Books 2009" awards, and "Our Heartbreaking Choices," a book where 46 women shared their stories of interrupting a much-wanted pregnancy, won in the Women's Issues category! We're raising awareness, one step at a time.

Best Books 2009 results

DeMarcus Ware and wife share about their termination for medical reasons

2009-10-15T18:53:00.006-04:00

ESPN recently aired a segment where DeMarcus Ware (a linebacker with the Dallas Cowboys) and his wife bravely shared their story of making the difficult decision to interrupt a pregnancy due to a poor prenatal diagnosis in 2006. I commend the Ware's for having the courage to speak up about such a controversial subject. They certainly didn't have to share all the details with ESPN, but they did, and in doing so they have given a voice to all of us who have made the same devastating decision. I'm sure their angel Omar is very proud of them.

ESPN Video

September issue of Marie Claire magazine

2009-08-06T13:07:00.003-04:00

There is a great article in the September issue of Marie Claire magazine. It is a two-part article which explores both sides of the debate on late-term abortion due to fetal anomaly. In the first part of the article you are introduced to a woman who found out that her unborn baby had Trisomy 13, an almost always fatal chromosomal defect. She decided to carry her baby to term. The baby lived for 4.5 hours. In the second part of the article you are introduced to a woman who found out that her unborn baby had Trisomy 2, a fatal chromosomal defect. She decided to terminate her pregnancy and was forced to have her procedure done in a clinic with dingy couches and other patients who talked about getting their nails done after their procedure.
Both women were able to follow their hearts and make the decision that was best for THEIR family. No one was forced to carry to term, and no one was forced to terminate. That's what CHOICE is all about.

The online version of the article can be found here - http://www.marieclaire.com/world-reports/news/latest/abortion-debate

The death of a hero

2009-06-02T22:43:00.002-04:00

I was shocked and saddened Sunday to hear the news about Dr. George Tiller being shot and killed inside of his church. Dr. Tiller was one of only a few doctors brave enough and caring enough to provide abortion services to women who had nowhere else to turn.
I have spoken with numerous women over the years who had to travel to his clinic in Kansas, either because they had passed the gestational limit in their own state or because they were unable to find a doctor or hospital to help them in their own state. These women were devastated and desperate for help. They had gotten the news about their unborn baby that no parent ever wants to hear, "Your baby is very sick." None of these women took their circumstance lightly or made the decision to terminate flippantly. They struggled with their decision, sought out second and third medical opinions, consulted with their clergy, and eventually made the decision they felt was best for THEIR family.
For some women that meant traveling hundreds of miles from home, leaving their living children in the care of other family members, and putting all of their faith in one man--Dr. Tiller.
Everything I've heard about Dr. Tiller was that he was a savior, a beacon of light, a compassionate, kind, and understanding soul who knew just what each of these families were struggling to deal with and what they needed from him. He didn't just provide medical services, he provided emotional support, counseling, and rituals to help the families find closure.
He was a tireless advocate for women, and the world will be worse off without him.

Ayelet Waldman

2009-05-05T17:18:00.002-04:00

The famed author Ayelet Waldman has published a new book, "Bad Mother," in which she chronicles many different aspects of motherhood, including her second trimester termination for medical reasons. In 2000, her baby boy was diagnosed in utero with a chromosomal abnormality. She and her husband made the heartbreaking decision to interrupt the pregnancy.

I haven't read the book yet, but I plan to very soon. From the reviews I have read online, it is clear that Ayelet talks very candidly and honestly about her termination in the book. Which in my opinion is fantastic. Many people might not agree with her choice (which is very evident by reading the posted comments to the NPR interview noted below) but we need more brave women like her to speak up and pull back the curtain of silence on this issue. It's this kind of information sharing that is necessary in order to open society's eyes to the complexities of making the decision to abort due to fetal anomalies.

There is an audio interview from NPR where she discusses in detail getting the diagnosis, her decision-making process, her termination experience, and her healing.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=103794433

New article

2009-02-26T14:45:00.002-05:00

I posted a link to a recent article from the Boston Globe. It's about prenatal diagnosis of Down syndrome. It profiles two couples--one who decided to carry to term after getting a prenatal diagnosis of Down syndrome, and one who decided to terminate.
I wasn't surprised to see that the article focused mainly on the couple who decided to carry to term. Very little coverage was given to the couple who terminated and their agonizing decision-making process. Even many of the reader comments that were posted after the article completely glossed over the fact that those who choose to terminate DON'T do so based on screening tests alone. There were a few anecdotal stories of "My best friend's sister's doctor told her that her baby would have Down's and it doesn't!" Blah, blah, blah. Then obviously she didn't have a CVS or amnio, because those are like 99% accurate.
It's assumed that those who terminate just don't want "that" baby and they must have made the decision to terminate out of fear. The truth of the matter is that those who choose termination do so not out of fear but out of love and concern for each and every member of their family. It's NOT a selfish decision. At all.

Announcing...

2008-10-03T13:44:00.007-04:00

The publication of a book specifically for families who have chosen to terminate a pregnancy due to a poor prenatal diagnosis or due to a severe complication with the mother's health.
"Our Heartbreaking Choices: Forty-Six Women Share Their Stories of Interrupting a Much-Wanted Pregnancy" by Christie Brooks. The book is now available for purchase from iUniverse.com, Amazon.com, Target.com, booksamillion.com, and Barnesandnoble.com.

http://www.iuniverse.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-000069052

http://www.amazon.com/Our-Heartbreaking-Choices-Interrupting-Much-Wanted/dp/0595530478/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1223056231&sr=8-1

The companion website to the book can be found at http://www.ourheartbreakinchoices.com

Please get out and vote!

2008-09-04T19:01:00.002-04:00

I suppose I could be non-biased and just tell everyone to go out and vote because it's your right as an American. But the truth of the matter is that I only want those who will be voting for Barack Obama to go out and vote. ;)
I've always been a registered Democrat. At first because that's what my dear ole' dad was, but then as I grew older I realized that my personal beliefs fall much more in line with the Democrats than with the Republicans. I believe in helping out the little guy, in not rejecting people because of their gender, sexual orientation, race, or religion, in using the power of negotiation rather than brute force, and in reproductive freedom for all women.
So this year, with the Republican ticket being the most anti-choice in recent history, I urge all of those who care about reproductive freedom, who care about gender equality, or who care about those who have lost their homes or who can't afford healthcare--please go out and vote. And vote for OBAMA. :)

Article in June Self Magazine

2008-05-16T23:07:00.003-04:00

There is an interesting article in the June 2008 edition of SELF magazine. It is titled ""When there is no good choice" and it is written by Jennifer Wolff-Perrine. The article profiles three women who were each given a poor prenatal diagnosis during their pregnancy. Two of the three decided to terminate, one chose to carry to term and pursue hospice care.
The article's main focus was the recent ban on the D&X procedure and how that is tying the hands of doctors in being able to care for their patients. Many doctors are now afraid of "big brother" looking over their shoulder every time they assist a woman in terminating a pregnancy. It's gotten to the point where doctors are choosing to protect themselves (by not providing abortion services) rather than do everything possible to help their patients. Sad. :(
All in all, it was a very well researched and and well written article. Kudos to the writer for being brave enough to tackle such a prickly topic.

I'm tired of being ignored!!

2008-04-03T13:21:00.005-04:00

No, I'm not an attention-seeking type of person. I tend to be a bit of a wallflower actually. Always have been. But I've been propelled into action by the lack of media coverage and literature available to women who choose to terminate a pregnancy due to a poor prenatal diagnosis. I've been a member of "the club" for almost 5 years now (will be 5 years exactly later this month.) It's a club that no one WANTS to belong to, but one that between 50,000 to 100,000 women in the U.S. join each year. I got that figure based on statistics from the Guttmacher Institute and from the CDC's Abortion Surveillance reports published in Morbidity and Mortality Weekly (lovely name, eh?) Those two organizations estimate that somewhere between 6-12% of all abortions are due to medical reasons (either the health of the baby or the health of the mother.)

So, I'm helping to write a book. It's a compilation of personal stories from other women in "the club." Very personal, heartbreaking, and inspiring stories. I'm not expecting this book to be a NY Times bestseller, or to even make any sort of "profit." That's not the point. What I do hope happens is that it can be a source of comfort and support to those thousands and thousands of women who suffer silently each year. The women who aren't comfortable or are afraid to tell their complete story to those closest to them. The ones who feel it necessary to call it a miscarriage and put on a mask of denial each day as they face the world. And I hope it can bring some small amount of awareness to our cause. I know that I had never heard of terminating a pregnancy due to fetal anomalies before it happened to me. I'm not trying to scare pregnant women into thinking something might be wrong with their baby. But I do want people in general to know that when they support restrictions on abortion, they are supporting restrictions on parents like myself who just want to free our babies from suffering.

My story

2008-01-28T10:36:00.004-05:00

Since there are a few people actually viewing this blog (thanks in part to Blog For Choice Day) I figured that it might be helpful to share my story. Even if it only reaches 5 or 10 people, that is 5 or 10 people whose eyes can be opened to the "other face" of abortion. So here's my story...

It was October of 2002; I was 31 years old and was married with a 20-month-old daughter named Miranda. My husband and I had decided it was time to give Miranda a baby brother or baby sister. I didn’t want the age gap between Miranda and her future sibling to be any more than two or three years because I wanted her to grow up as close to her siblings as I had been with my sisters. I finished up my pack of birth control pills early that month and was planning to chart my cycles (using basal body temperature and cervical mucous as my guide) for a couple of months before actively trying to conceive in January. I had it all figured out, or so I thought.
I had completed one normal cycle and had begun charting my second and final cycle in mid-November before gearing up to begin actively trying to conceive in January. During the latter part of that second cycle I felt a strange tightening in my stomach one day while exercising. I had been charting my cycle, so I knew that I was at a time where I could take a home pregnancy test and know with some certainty whether I was pregnant. I took the test, and it was positive! I was so shocked since we weren’t even actively trying to get pregnant yet. I was also shocked that it had happened so soon since it had taken five months to get pregnant with Miranda. But I was shocked in a very happy way.
That happiness didn’t last very long, for I started spotting brownish blood about a week later at five weeks gestation. I had never spotted during my pregnancy with Miranda so the spotting scared me to death. I thought for sure that I was miscarrying. I had never had a miscarriage before and often had wondered what it was like. I went to see my OB/GYN a couple of days after the spotting began, and she performed an ultrasound. Since I was only five-and-a-half weeks along, not much could be seen via ultrasound. My OB/GYN told me that I had a 50 percent chance of miscarrying. The spotting continued for two-and-a-half more weeks. Each day I would wake up and wonder whether the baby was okay or whether this would be the day that the spotting would turn from brown to red, indicating a miscarriage was likely. At this point I desperately wanted the little bean and was scared to death at the thought of losing him or her.
I was scheduled for another ultrasound at seven–and-a-half weeks because the spotting hadn’t ceased. The morning of my appointment there was a small snow storm. It was large enough that most of the local schools and businesses were closed. But I was determined to make it to my ultrasound appointment; I just HAD to know if the baby was okay or not. I made it to my appointment and much to my delight a fetal heartbeat was seen flickering away on the ultrasound screen. The spotting finally stopped a couple of days later.
Because I had had the ultrasound at seven weeks, my OB/GYN decided that I didn’t need another ultrasound until the routine mid-pregnancy ultrasound at 20 weeks. I was sad that I would have to wait so long for another peek at my baby, but I trusted my OB/GYN’s judgment that everything was probably fine. The alpha-fetoprotein (AFP) test at 16 weeks came back normal. I started feeling the baby kick at 18 weeks. It was a wonderful feeling. Knowing that the baby was alive and moving around kept my mind at ease. Right around the time I started to feel the baby kick, we had just signed the paperwork to start building our first home. We were so excited about our future. A new home, a new baby—what could be more perfect, right?
The morning of my 20-week ultrasound was filled with excitement and anticipation. My husband had taken the day off from work so he could come with me to see if we were going to be giving Miranda a baby brother or a baby sister. As he and I were sitting in the waiting room, he was teasing me about the fact that females tend to run in my family (I had two sisters, two step-sisters, three nieces, two step-nieces, and one daughter). He was so sure that this baby would be another girl, so we started tossing around possible names for girls. We had decided then and there on the name “Madison” if it was a girl.
We were called back to the ultrasound room where, for the most part, everything seemed to be fine. The ultrasound technician asked us if we wanted to know the gender of the baby, and we enthusiastically said “yes.” It was another GIRL!! We were so excited to be giving Miranda a baby sister. I was very close to my sisters growing up, and I was over the moon with joy that Miranda would have a sister as well.
I assumed that the technician was wrapping things up and taking some final pictures when she asked us to remain in the room for a minute, then she walked out. She came back in five minutes later with one of the other OB/GYNs from the practice who explained to my husband and I that the technician couldn’t get a clear enough picture of the baby’s heart and that they would need to try to get one showing the four separate chambers before they would let us go home. The OB/GYN tried for about ten minutes but still wasn’t happy with the pictures of the heart that she got. She explained to us that we would need to go to a maternal-fetal medicine specialist (perinatologist) the following day for a level II ultrasound to look at the baby’s heart and also to look at the baby’s spine which looked a bit abnormal. We were shocked and numb that anything was potentially wrong with our baby. We left with a script in hand for an appointment the next day to “evaluate fetal heart and spine.”
I called my mom (who lived in a different state) as soon as we got home from the ultrasound appointment. I mustered all of the excitement I could to tell her that the all-female streak in our family was being continued, but then I broke down and sobbed that something might be wrong with the baby’s heart.
The following day was Good Friday. Our appointment was at 11:00 a.m. My husband and I dropped Miranda off at a babysitter and proceeded to the perinatalogist’s office. As we sat in the waiting room, I still was naively unaware of the significance of Madison’s health problems. I knew that something might be wrong with her heart but assumed that whatever it was could be fixed.

As the technician performed the level II ultrasound, the room was tense, dark, and eerily quiet. She took numerous pictures of Madison from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. At one point during the ultrasound the technician typed onto the screen “diaphrag hernia.” I had no idea what that meant, but assumed that if the baby had a hernia it could be fixed easily, too. After about 45 minutes of taking pictures of our baby the technician left the room. The perinatalogist came in about 10 minutes later. He introduced himself, shook our hands, and then immediately said, “Your baby is very sick.” At that point my world changed forever.
He proceeded to tell us that Madison had what is called a left-sided Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia (CDH). For some unknown reason, her diaphragm never closed properly at around eight weeks gestation, and as a result her stomach and intestines had migrated up into her chest cavity. Because of the extra organs in her chest, her lungs never had a chance to grow, her trachea was pushed out of its normal position, and her heart was pushed over into her right armpit. I was already showing signs of polyhydramnios (excess amniotic fluid), which is common in situations where the baby can’t swallow. Her heart seemed to be okay for the most part, though it was in the wrong place in her chest, and I would later read in a formal report that her heart did have possible outflow abnormalities. But her heart wasn’t the primary concern; it was the lack of lungs that was the critical factor. As long as Madison was inside of me and her blood was getting oxygenated from the placenta she would be okay. But once she was born and the umbilical cord was cut, she wouldn’t be able to breathe on her own. Even a ventilator couldn’t help her if there wasn’t enough lung tissue to inflate.
We were devastated by all of the things the perinatologist was telling us. I’m sure that some things he said that day went right over my head, for I felt like I was in a total fog once he told us how sick she was. I couldn’t believe that this was happening to me. To me! I took excellent care of myself while pregnant—didn’t smoke, didn’t drink alcohol, exercised regularly, even ate vegetables (which I don’t normally eat), and I had no family history of any kind of birth defects. It all seemed like a bad, bad dream, and I wanted desperately to wake up.
As I lay there on the exam table, something in my gut was telling me that this little baby just wasn’t meant to live with us. My mother’s intuition was telling me that somehow or some way she would never come home with us. The perinatologist then asked me to get dressed and to come into his office so that we could talk some more. Once we were in his office he told us that Madison’s hernia was one of the worst he had ever seen. He showed us a medical reference book that included a diagram of a diaphragmatic hernia. He then mentioned the option of termination to us (I believe he called it “interruption”), but I was not convinced yet that our situation would warrant that. I still had hoped that Madison’s problems could somehow be fixed. I asked him if most parents with this diagnosis terminate the pregnancy, and he said that many of them do. At this point we were 20 weeks and five days along. Given the laws in our state, we would have three weeks and one day to decide whether we wanted to interrupt the pregnancy. The perinatologist told us that if we wanted a surgical termination (a dilation and extraction, or D&E), he could refer us to someone, and if I wanted an induced labor termination, my own OB could perform it. It was a Friday afternoon, so the perinatologist told us to think about everything over the weekend and to call him back on Monday.
We left the perinatologist’s office that day unsure of what would happen next. It was Easter weekend, and I tried my best to remain cheerful and upbeat for Miranda. But inside I was dying. My baby was sick, and it seemed that nothing I could do would make her better. I spent endless hours on our home computer researching CDH, researching lung development, researching experimental procedures of in utero repairs, etc. I also started posting on a message board for families of children with CDH. I talked online to many moms of kids with CDH. Some of them had children who survived; some of them had children who didn’t survive. Over that weekend I would wake up several times in the middle of the night to get back on the computer to do more researching. I was looking for anything to give me hope that my Madison might be okay. I was clinging to the overall 50 percent survival rate for CDH and hoping that my Madison would be one of the survivors.
We had talked to several family members over the phone that weekend (they all lived out of state). We also talked to my husband’s uncle who is an OB/GYN. We asked him for not only his medical opinion but for his personal opinion on Madison’s case. His opinion would prove to be very critical to our decision making process. Everyone in our families was supportive of us and was there for us to bounce ideas off of, to cry to, and to just listen as we tried to make sense of it all. No one could tell us what they would presume to do if they were in our situation. It would be squarely up to us.
Over that weekend, my husband and I constantly talked about termination versus carrying to term. We literally went back and forth about 20 times as to whether we would continue the pregnancy or not. We finally decided that we needed more information in order to feel comfortable making a decision either way.
Monday morning came and my husband and I called the perinatologist we had met with on Friday and asked him to set up a second opinion level II ultrasound for us. We were scheduled for one the next day. We went to the scan and found this perinatologist to be very kind and accommodating toward us. He was very helpful and very considerate, taking his time with the scan and making sure that we understood everything that he was explaining. Unfortunately, his medical opinion concurred with the opinion of the first perinatologist, that our Madison had a very bad case of CDH. He explained to us that the survival rate for CDH drops significantly if the CDH is found before 24 weeks (which ours was). He told us that Madison’s chances of making it to term were 10–25 percent. He told us that if she lived through childbirth she would need to immediately be put on an ECMO heart and a lung bypass machine, and that she would need to be on it for quite some time. I had learned about ECMO from my internet research and knew that extended use of it could likely lead to blindness, hearing loss, and potential brain damage.
We walked out of the second ultrasound knowing what we would do. I didn’t want my Madison to suffer for even one second. And I didn’t want Miranda to see her baby sister suffer in a body that was too sick to perform the most basic bodily function, breathing. We didn’t have any family in the area to help out if we had chosen to continue the pregnancy, and I felt that all of the technology in the world couldn’t help my Madison anyway. Lung transplants are not done with newborns. I also felt that there was a reason that we found out about her CDH so early instead of at birth, when many parents do. I knew that I needed to trust my instincts and follow my heart. As much as I didn’t want to say goodbye to my baby, I knew that I had to. For the previous five months, every piece of food that I ate, every bit of exercise that I trudged through, and every wink of sleep that I got were to nurture her to grow and develop. I had bonded with this little baby and had so many hopes and dreams for her. She was to complete our family. Now I would have to let her go.
We called my OB when I got home that day and asked her to schedule us for a Labor and Delivery (L&D) termination. I chose L&D because I desperately needed to see my baby girl. I needed to kiss her sweet face and hold her tiny hands in mine. I had to see her just one time.
My induction was scheduled to begin two days later on Thursday evening. I was to deliver Madison in the exact same hospital where two years earlier I had delivered my daughter Miranda. I had to leave Miranda in the care of a neighbor so that my husband could come with me to the hospital to get checked in. My mom and sister were set to fly into town later that evening to help us out with Miranda and to provide us with much needed emotional support. Once I got to the hospital, I was walked to a labor and delivery room at the very end of the hallway. I'm assuming this was for my benefit so that I wouldn't have to hear all of the other laboring moms-to-be and their newborns. I was immediately hooked up to an IV drip of Pitocin. My OB came and inserted eight or so laminaria sticks into my cervix to begin the dilation process. I didn't find the insertion of the laminaria to be especially painful, just uncomfortable. I had asked my OB and the nurse if it would be possible to check for Madison's heartbeat periodically with a Doppler so that I would have some idea of when she passed, and they agreed.
My mom arrived at the hospital about 8:00 p.m. that night, just long enough to say hello and to hear her granddaughter's heartbeat for the first and last time. Visiting hours were soon ending so I sent my mom and my husband home to help my sister who was looking after Miranda. I didn't think that anything was going to happen during the nighttime anyway, so I figured that they might as well go home and get some rest. I sat in my hospital room alone and watched television until about 10:00 p.m. or so.
The laminaria didn't do much to dilate my cervix. Thankfully, I didn't have much cramping either. When my OB returned at midnight she removed the laminaria and placed a prostaglandin suppository in my cervix. At that point, she said that I was about one to two centimeters dilated. She had warned me before I entered the hospital that the labor could take anywhere from one to three days. After inserting the prostaglandin she told me that it would need to be replaced every four to six hours or as needed until I dilated adequately, which for a tiny baby like mine was only to six centimeters or so. The prostaglandin made me pretty ill. I had vomiting and diarrhea episodes for the next four to five hours. I thank God for the wonderful night-shift nurse who took care of me because I know that I was no fun to care for during those hours. It was not a pleasant night, and I got very little, if any, sleep.
My OB returned at about 8:00 a.m. and inserted another prostaglandin suppository, along with an order for anti-nausea and anti-diarrhea medicine to be put into my IV. At that point I was still only about two centimeters dilated. I had the nurse check again for Madison's heartbeat, and it was still there, as strong as ever. The second suppository that my OB inserted seemed to do the trick. I started getting very painful and very strong contractions about 20 minutes after the insertion. I asked the nurse for an epidural at that time (about 8:20 a.m.), but unfortunately the anesthesiologist was tied up in a c-section delivery and couldn't break away to help me. When my mom and husband arrived at the hospital about 8:40 a.m., I was in agonizing pain, and the nurse tried to alleviate it with some Morphine shots into my hips. It didn't help much with the pain. The only relief I felt was after my water broke about 8:45 a.m.
The nurse checked me and said that I was about seven centimeters dilated and that Madison's head was crowning. My OB was immediately paged, quickly arrived to my room and after two short pushes my Madison was born, at 9:04 a.m. on April 25, 2003. My second daughter Madison was born exactly two years, two months, two weeks, and two days after my first daughter Miranda.
My OB checked for a heartbeat on Madison but couldn't find one. She then placed Madison on my chest and cut the umbilical cord. I could feel my sweet baby’s skin against my own, she was so warm and moist. Just the way a new baby should feel. The nurse wiped her off a bit, wrapped her in a receiving blanket and gave her back to me. Here was my sweet baby girl! Holding her in my arms was a bit surreal. She was so very tiny, but seemingly perfect. She looked like a peacefully sleeping angel, with her hands crossed over her chest. I examined every inch of her little body, from the tip of her head to her tippy toes. She was absolutely beautiful. She had whispery soft blonde eyelashes and eyebrows. My mother and husband also took turns holding Madison. We took some photos of Madison by herself, of me holding her, and of my husband holding her. About 30 minutes after her birth the hospital chaplain came to my room and said a prayer over Madison. He offered comforting words to us to ensure that we knew that our sweet angel was in heaven with Jesus. We had the nurse make two sets of Madison’s hand and footprints.
We kept Madison with us for a little over two hours. In that time I had a strange sense of calm. I didn't even cry very much while she was with me. I think that I was so focused on her and cherishing the limited time that I had with her that I didn't want to cloud it up with tears and sorrow. But at the same time I was so exhausted from my horrible evening before that I was afraid that I would doze off while I was holding her and accidentally drop her. So after about two hours I let the nurse take her away one final time. The nurse told me that I could have Madison brought to me again if I wanted to, but I never did. After two hours had passed I could notice the change in the color of Madison’s skin from pinkish to purplish to bluish, and I didn't want to remember her that way. I wanted to remember her as she looked when she was first born—pink and warm and beautiful.
The nurse gave us a list of funeral homes and crematoriums in the area that we could contact if we wanted a private burial or cremation. Since my husband and I have no family in the area and since we aren’t sure if we will remain living here forever, we decided against a funeral or burial. We decided on a cremation. My husband called the crematorium and arranged everything with them over the phone from my hospital room.
After Madison was taken away I was transferred to a room on the gynecological floor to recover, away from the other new moms. Physically I felt okay within hours of delivering. Emotionally I felt lost and alone. It was in my recovery room that I finally allowed myself to start grieving. The tears started and they didn’t stop. There was a bereavement nurse who came into my recovery room and tried to “assess” me and my needs, but I just wasn't in the mood for talking. My husband brought Miranda in to visit me later that day. It was so hard to look into her eyes. Here was a two year old, so full of life and happy to see her mommy. What she didn’t know was that she had just lost her baby sister. I spent Friday night in the hospital and was released Saturday morning.
My milk came in about a day or two later. It felt like another cruel joke of nature to provide me with an abundance of milk, yet no baby to drink it. For several weeks after Madison’s birth my stomach still felt distended and firm. I avoided going out in public for fear that someone would ask me if I was pregnant. So for about two weeks I remained indoors and only ventured out for short trips as necessary. The crematorium called us about a week after her birth to tell us that Madison’s ashes were ready to be picked up. I drove with my husband to pick them up. It was very difficult walking in the door to the crematorium knowing that this wasn't the way we were SUPPOSED to be bringing our baby girl home. It wasn’t fair. But once I had her urn in my arms, it felt good to be able to have her with me again, so physically close to my heart. I clung to her urn the entire car ride home. And it felt good. We were finally taking our baby girl home to be with us forever.
My post-partum check up with my OB was scheduled for two weeks after delivery. Most vaginal delivery post-partum check-ups are done at four weeks post delivery. But since I wanted to try to conceive again as soon as possible, my OB told me to come in at two weeks post delivery. The appointment was grueling for me emotionally. Not only did I have to confront being in that office again, knowing that the last time I was there I was still pregnant, but I had to sit in a waiting room full of pregnant women. Then I had to explain my situation to the receptionist who was understandably confused as to why I was there and wanting to try to conceive again only two weeks after delivery. My OB was able to tell me that my physical recovery looked great and that I could try to get pregnant again after my first menstrual cycle.
I never felt the need for any kind of individual counseling or medication to help me through my emotional recovery. I did attend a few local M.I.S.S. (Mothers in Sympathy and Support) group meetings, but I found most of my solace and support from online support boards where I was able to connect with other women who had terminated pregnancies for medical reasons. By talking to others who truly understood what I was feeling, I was able to move forward in my healing and not get stuck on the unfairness of it all. I was able to read stories of women who had terminated before me, and how they had put their lives back together and even went on to have perfectly healthy babies after suffering such a loss. They provided me with the inspiration and the empowerment to try again to give Miranda a sibling.
Spiritually, my beliefs haven’t changed much since my termination. I’ve always believed in God and Jesus, and I know that they helped carry me through my grief. Fairly early on, I realized and accepted that what happened to my Madison wasn’t some sort of test or punishment by God or an attempt to draw me closer to him. The God that I believe in would never be so cruel or sadistic. Unfortunately, nature isn’t perfect, and sometimes living beings don’t form properly. I have accepted that Madison’s condition was a mere fluke of nature. There was nothing that I could have done or not done to prevent it. My job was to figure out how to grow as a person because of it and to find the silver lining in the clouds.
It has been five years since we said goodbye to Madison. I still think of her daily and cherish the short time we had together. The emotional healing was difficult at times, with setbacks often coming when I least expected them. But I can say with confidence that I have peace in my heart that I chose what was best for my family. And I know that if I were to be put in the exact same situation today I wouldn’t choose any differently. The only regrets that I have are that I didn’t spend more time holding Madison after she was born, that I didn’t take more photos of Madison, and that I didn’t bring home the blanket from the hospital that Madison was wrapped in.
I have not tried to hide Madison’s existence from anyone close to me (family or friends). I have never felt the need to be less than completely honest about my decision to end my pregnancy, and I have been blessed to be surrounded by supportive and understanding people. Even those people who haven’t agreed with my decision still have offered their love and kindness to me.
Madison is, and forever will be, a member of my immediate family. I have on display in my home a large pencil portrait drawn from a photo of her, as well as copies of her hand and footprints. I carry a guardian angel pin in my purse to remind me of her. I have built a special memorial flower garden in my backyard for Madison. Each spring I fill the garden with different varieties of pink and white flowers, angel statues, and a memorial stepping stone engraved with her name, given to me by some online friends.

I have spoken to Miranda many times over the years about her baby sister Madison. I have tried to explain to her in terms she can understand that her baby sister was simply too sick to live with us. She seems to understand, and every once in a while she will ask about Madison. Each year on Madison’s Angel Day (the day she was born an angel), we release helium-filled balloons and snack on cupcakes. It’s our own special way to celebrate Madison as a member of our family.
Over the years since losing Madison I have been finding ways to turn my loss into something positive to honor Madison’s memory. I participate in the March of Dimes WalkAmerica every year to help raise funds and awareness for birth defects. I started my own chapter of a volunteer group which knits/crochets baby afghans to donate to bereaved moms in hospitals and clinics. I am a constant presence on several internet message boards for women who have terminated a pregnancy for medical reasons, making sure that those who choose to terminate for medical reasons never feel alone or unsupported.
I have since gone on to have another healthy baby (yes, a girl). She is my “rainbow” baby. Through the clouds and the rain she came and brought light and color back into my life. At a time in my life when I was scared to death of being in that vulnerable state of pregnancy again, she came along and made me see that life is still full of miracles and that gambles can pay off. I simply adore her and treasure her spunky personality. And I can’t escape the reality that she simply wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for the decision my husband and I made to let her big sister Madison go. I know that Madison watches over her sisters, her dad, and me from above. And I know that I will be reunited with my middle daughter someday.

Blog for Choice Day!

2008-01-21T15:36:00.001-05:00

In honor of the 35th anniversary of the Roe v. Wade decision, and for the benefit of "Blog for Choice Day", I am opening this blog up to the public for the first time ever.

The question this year for Blog for Choice Day is "Why vote pro-choice?". My short answer is "Why the heck not?!" Even in the year 2008, people who happen to have been born with XX chromosomes instead of XY chromosomes are still not treated with the same respect, compensation or opportunities. I agree that, by and large, women have made some significant strides over the past 35 years. But now is not the time for women to become complacent and sit back. We cannot assume that the same protections our mothers were allowed will exist for our own daughters if we do nothing to preserve those protections. And just because I was allowed to interrupt a pregnancy due to a serious fetal anomoly, there is no guarantee that my own daughters will have that same right. I have two living daughters, and I will not sit by while some people, who have never walked a mile in MY shoes, try to wrap their rosaries around our ovaries.

Termination for Medical Reasons - The purpose of this blog

2006-04-07T13:37:00.001-04:00

I have created this blog to be a clearinghouse of information for any and all media coverage given to pregnancy termination for medical reasons.

Most people who hear the word "abortion" think of the roughly 90% of abortions which are performed for non-medical reasons (meaning both the mother and baby are healthy) and usually in the first trimester. The other roughly 10% of abortions are had by women who have been told (usually well into the second trimester) that their baby has one or more serious medical issues. After hearing such devastating news (who ever thinks that such an awful thing will happen to THEM?) they make the heartbreaking decision to interrupt their pregnancy.

It is these women who are the other face of abortion. The face that no one wants to see when they are arguing for an end to all abortions. The face of a heartbroken and isolated mother who chose to set her baby free. The mother who selflessly took on a lifetime of grief and emotional pain so that her child wouldn't have to feel physical pain for even one moment. The mother who was willing to say goodbye to her much wanted, much planned and much loved baby before she even got a chance to say hello.

I am hoping that with this blog I can create a centralized location for people to read about termination for medical reasons in the news. It is a topic that isn't covered by the media very often. Abortion by itself is such a hot-button issue that when you throw into the mix the women who terminate for medical reasons it makes it hard for people to continue to think of abortion in such black-and-white terms.

Although I will allow comments on this blog (for now), I did NOT create this to be a debate forum for the topic of abortion. I am only using this blog as a place to share links to stories and articles related to termination for medical reasons with others who so rarely come across such items in the media.